What I bought last weekend

I realize that I tend to regret what I buy, rather than what I don’t buy. Or what I eat, rather than what I don’t eat. Or what I do, rather than what I don’t do.

So possibly, I should do less, buy less, eat less.

I regret buying the pink dress because it may be nice, but isn’t flattering, and I don’t especially like it. I don’t dislike it, but it doesn’t create any strong feelings in me. It’s probably even special, and sweet, as my mom says – but I’m not attached to it, so don’t need it. Should have walked away from it (but sometimes we keep things because they’re special – in this case, it has a nice chiffon layer over a base – so a double layer skirt, which is sort of special).

Am satisfied with the black Nicole dress – because it was on 50% discount, so cost about RM 55. Another lesson – if you pay more for something, you expect so much more of it, and also have the potential for more regret. If I’m paying more than RM 100 for a dress, I think I should make a new set of criteria for buying it – either 1) It fascinates / captivates me or 2) it’s going to change my life somehow eg. when I wear it, wonderful and exciting things happen (I DO have one shirt like that – a leopard print one. When I wear that one, I ALWAYS get the guy – so I hardly wear that one – I save it up J).

Black-and-white Elle at RM 159 may not be worth it, although my mom said it was nice and gave a ‘good girl’ feel (and Elle materials are always nice – it’s one of my favourite brands – I can afford it now that I’m working. Mostly nice colours and materials, and nice sports wear).

Bought about RM 200 worth of hand puppets- those make me happy, and when I’m working in the ward, I look forward to coming home to my hand puppets (specifically the ones on my bed – they’re actually the same as the ones in my cupboard – I just bought extra so that I could keep the cupboard ones clean).

The ones you see above are the ones on my bed. I’m quite allergic, so sometimes they irritate my skin/nose. But I like to put my hands in them and play with them as I fall asleep.

Couldn't fall asleep last night because thought of getting a job (since I spent almost RM 1000 in one weekend, and suddenly RM 4500 pay a month doesn't seem enough), and i don't have many calls where I get paid (if you work from 6 am til 12 midnight, it's called passive call, and you don't get paid - you only get paid if you work from 6 am today til 6 am tomorrow, and then continue til 6 pm - cos that's 36 hours). Anyway, was thinking of becoming a gym instructor - but then heeded my own advice and decided not to act on that whim straight away - and when I woke up this morning, had changed my mind again and felt too lazy to get an extra job - although tonight, am considering it again, especially if it makes more money than doing locum (better exercise for an hour than see sick patients for an hour). But I'd best not act too quickly - was being glad today that I hadn't met and married anyone last night (because I'm sure I would regret it in the morning). Whereas with food, even if you regret it, it's mostly digested by morning, and you can have another meal (and worry about regret later).

And that's all for today - I have a medical association dinner on Sunday, so just need to pick a dress now....

Money is useful

I am sick. Being in the paediatrics isolation ward makes everyone sick - too many flu viruses going around. Want to be awake but took my medication and need to sleep.

Was reading inspiring blogs first, though.

Here's one - a story of a dying baby, Philiswa Maziyar (read it, it's much more interesting than the way I put it here).

Thing is, I'm slowly trying to understand how the human mind works, and it's amazing. I haven't yet learnt to comprehend the love of a parent or grandparent for a child. It's a sort of human reflection of God's love - where even though God has so many children (us people), he still cares about each and every one. Where even though the grandmother has many other grandchildren, she still grieves over this one dying one, and puts all her heart and soul into caring for it.

Over here, diarrhoea is no big deal - we have easy access to clean water, after all. It must be terrible to live in a place like Africa, and to have no means of escape, of changing the future.

I realize another thing, I tell you. Their problem is still 'someone else's problem'. Each one has their own problems, and for a family here, not being able to put a child through school is as big a problem to them as a starving baby is to someone else. To us, it would seem that the dying baby is a bigger problem, but to the parents of the schooling child, charity begins at home - you take care of yourself and yours before thinking about anyone else.

My family is well-provided for (since both my parents are working), so at present, I am in the enviable position of not needing to take care of anyone (although traditionally, an Asian child should give a portion of his/her income to the parents to demonstrate filial piety, but my parents said they don't need my money) - so can afford to worry about someone else's problems.

There was a family that day who had a son who was involved in an accident that required an operation to be done at a private hospital. The operation cost RM 3300, and wasn't guaranteed to succeed, but without it, the patient would keep bleeding and constantly be in pain. They agreed to pay, although the father only made RM 300 basic salary a month as a lorry/oil tanker driver. The operation was only partially successful, and something moved me to give them some money towards the cost of the operation - the father accepted it gratefully (which showed how much they needed it). Had spoken to them a lot before that (because I was the one who had to escort the patient to the private hospital) - found that they have young children to raise and put through school. They're not very very poor, but they have to struggle to make ends meet, and having the hospital bills on top of it all was yet another burden. So it all goes back to that thought - everyone has their own needs and problems, and their lives revolve around these. And it's both good and bad that so many of these problems can be solved with money (good because with money, it's easily solved - bad because so many don't seem to be able to acquire it).

If you're bored, read Maithri's blog. His every post makes me cry, and inspires me to try harder.

Going to sleep now. Hope to be well when I wake.

Malaysia's education policy

Malaysia's 'meritocracy' in a nutshell.

Heaven

I'm currently tagging in the paediatrics posting. Tagging is where you're given a few days (in this case 1o days) to sort of learn the ropes - means you're supposed to do everyone's work and stay at hospital for longer hours - in order that after you finish tagging, you're competent to be put on call (where you're the only one around to make the decisions).

Have been on my feet from 6.30 am til now - 1.30 am (19 hours). Perhaps had an hour in between where I could sit. My toes are numb in spite of Hush Puppies shoes. I only had time to eat one jumbo pork sausage (it tells you how jumbo it is that one was enough for all day - it's about 6 inches, and my favourite, so I bring up lots from home) and drink about 400 ml of water (which is just enough, I think, because normal urine output should generally be at least that amount). Physically, I'm tempted to think that not many people have to work as hard physically as me, but then I think of manual labourers and maids - they can probably beat me to a claim of hard menial labour (since our hospital isn't really computerized/connected, any time you want to send blood or trace results of blood or radiological investigations, you have to walk all the way to the lab). Plus, an Indonesian manual labourer gets RM 20 a day - I get RM 100, which is five times what he's getting. (I suddenly wonder if after all, he could probably be trained to do my job - I think so, after all ;-)).

I shouldn't be awake, but need to read up stuff because we have exams thrice a week (not really big ones, but it's not nice to stand up and not know the answer when everyone else does - although often they're just guessing too ;-)).

The song 'heaven' by Warrant was playing in my car when i went to work, and started playing again when I drove back. I could never quite catch all the lyrics, but it's so full of hope (in spite of being sort of sad) - my favourite kind of song, the wistful kind... Generally, I'd expect to be less optimistic than the lyrics in the song suggest, though. Which probably makes it even more special, that someone could think and feel that way. Will put the lyrics and url for the music video (which is no work of art, but shows the band) below so you can appreciate the song for yourself.



watch the band plus hear the song here:

OR

watch the lyrics while hearing the song below.






Or just read the lyrics before you decide if you'd like the melody too...


Got a picture of your house

And you're standing by the door

It's black and white and faded

And it's looking pretty worn



See the factory that I worked

Silhouetted in the back

The memories are grey

but man they're really coming back


I don't need to be the king of the world

As long as I'm the hero of this little girl


Heaven isn't too far away

Closer to it every day

No matter what your friends might say


How I love the way you move

And the sparkle in your eyes

There's a color deep inside them

Like a blue suburban sky


When I come home late at night

And you're in bed asleep

I wrap my arms around you

So I can feel you breathe


I don't need to be a superman

As long as you will always be my biggest fan


Heaven isn't too far away

Closer to it every day

No matter what your friends might say

We'll find a way (Yeah!)


Now the lights are going out

Along the boulevard

The memories come rushing back

And it makes it pretty hard


I've got nowhere left to go

And no one really cares

I don't know what to do

But I'm never giving up on you


(Heaven isn't too far away)

Closer to it every day

No matter what your friends say

I know we gotta find a way

It's not too far away.

Yeah!

More improvements on my house

My parents came up for the weekend. They're good at making themselves useful around the house. My mom washed and ironed everything and made the bed, while my dad fixed a leaky tap. Also, in addition to the bar to hang things on that he put up a month ago, he added a series of wall hooks along one wall of my bedroom (but I haven't used them yet, because don't have anything much to hang, I think.)



He also put a shelf in the bathroom, which helps lots. Besides that, he readjusted the bathroom mirror (he moved it higher, so that the only parts of myself I can see in it now are my eyes and the top of my head. Still, I appreciate the effort ;-)).


He also arranged my jewellery in little medicine bottles on my shelf, which looks very neat.



And he brought up a dvd of progressive rock ballads, classic rock ballads and love songs (all arranged in alphabetical order, with a printed songlist). So I have new songs for the car. And we went dog hunting - visited SPCA.

SPCA was clean and the animals were cared for. the sad thing was to have the dogs in cages, where they'll stay til they die if no one wants them. ppl only want puppies, and my parents say puppies will be easier to teach. as they say, an old dog can't learn new tricks - it might be unmanageable, or keep trying to escape. i didn't see any adult dogs that i like. saw a nice black puppy with foldover ears, and am still thinking of it today, but didn't get it, because i'm going home today, and then when i get back, my working hours will be 5.30 am to 11 pm for 2 weeks, and then 5.30 am til 7 pm for the next 4 months, so they say the dog will be orphaned at home. they're usually right, so i shouldn't act on this sudden impulse to get a dog. plus, am feeling guilty - torn between wanting a puppy to play with, or getting an old dog to give it a better home. because the thing is that after i complete my time here (2 years), i'd have to bring the dog with me across the ocean - back home. and so it'd be a better investment to get a nice-looking puppy than a random adult stray (and pay hundreds to import him home). i don't know....

As a matter of fact, while considering getting a dog, I almost considered getting a human (since they're so poor here, plus there are so many stray indonesians, I might as well just take one into my home as a pet - since the SPCA woman said that all it takes is food and a home). but humans cause more problems and are even more wilful and difficult to train, plus may be less entertaining, so I decided against getting one. Plus, I guess I wouldn't want one in my bed, unlike a puppy.

Time for my nap now...

Discovered Toby Keith

I love country songs..

.. and cowboy hats..

.. and guitars...


Just discovered Toby Keith, and have been watching his music videos non-stop. Quite entertaining - where the lyrics are less content-packed, the music videos set the tone.

I like the stories in the songs too, and the words:

"She holds tight to me and her bible
on the back seat of my motorcycle"

or..

"she's my little whiskey girl"

or..

"I'm not as good as I once was - but I'm as good once as I ever was." ;-)


On another note, I saw a penile carcinoma today. Was anticipating seeing it, but it was much more than I expected. Wish I could show it to you - was regretting not taking a picture (since it's going to be cut off tomorrow anyway), but didn't bring a good camera anyway. But wow - the surgeons should have taken a picture. None of the pictures online could compare with what I saw - a huge (about 8 cm in diameter) yellowish-pinkish cauliflower-like mass at the end of the penis. It's almost pretty, like a flower, but you know it's cancer, because a penis really shouldn't look like that. And the patient STILL won't stop smoking. Hmmmmmmm.... perhaps I SHOULD take a picture tomorrow. It's something worth remembering....

The biggest thing bothering me right now is the ulcer in my mouth. It's a the back, near the left 2nd molar, and it aches, and I can't open my mouth :-(

Bittersweet chocolate

I'm going to sleep now.
Just gotta share a testimony and a story before I sleep, because I'm on call tomorrow again, so won't be home til Thursday.

This morning, I put my phone in my bag (or my labcoat). at work, I couldn't find it, and thought it must have dropped in the car. Checked the car, couldn't find it, so thought it must be at home. Got home just now and couldn't find it, so started panicking and asking God, "Why does this always happen to me?"

Wondered where to buy a new phone at short notice, and how to go about choosing one in a hurry. Searched my handbag again. Not there. Then decided to search my food bag (I bring one bag of books and one of edibles each day), and there it was! I had no recollection of keeping it there. But am so glad it's found, just like that story Jesus told of the shepherd who has 100 sheep and lost 1 - he was happier when he found that lost one than he was about all the other sheep who weren't lost.

For me, the importance of the phone is that when I'm on call, the only way I'm contactable is through a phone. Am so relieved that I have my phone ready for my call tomorrow.

And now the story.

There's this old man, Kumbong. He looks older than he is (62 years old). Every time I speak to him, he just looks at me without saying anything. He's got the sweetest, gentlest eyes I've ever seen. He looks at me, and I look closely at him too, and smile. And you see his eyes smile, although his mouth just thins a bit.

I don't know if he really doesn't understand my language, since he never answers or complies with my instructions when I speak in Malay. His sons claim that he only speaks Iban. A surprising thing happened that day, though.

The doctors were explaining to his family that day that he had a brain tumor. They were actually saying that it looked like a benign tumor, but all off a sudden there were tears running down his cheeks, and we were all flabbergasted (as well as concerned and sympathetic), and told him not to cry. And then the son said "He understands, that's why he's crying."

Pitiful. I find that an old man's tears are more pitiful than a child's or an adult's tears.

I don't know what to do to help people like these - the dying. My first thought is to offer them some chocolate, thinking that somehow, it's these little things that make life better.

I was escorting Kumbong down for a scan yesterday, and we were hanging around after the scan while waiting for the nurses to bring him back to the ward. They took almost half an hour to come, so I took out a bar of Kitkat from my pocket, and put it in his hand. His face brightened, and his eyes turned to me. For you, I said. He handed it back to me, and I took it from his, asking him if he wanted to eat it now. He indicated yes, so I opened the wrapper and broke off the bar, putting it in his mouth a little at a time (he wasn't wearing his dentures because he'd just gone for an MRI).

Just before the last mouthful, he didn't want any more. "Sweet" he whispered, making a face which I took to mean "too sweet, enough." So I ate the last bit, then I reached into my other pocket, where I had a plastic bag of barbequed pork which I snack from throughout the day (was going to give him something 'savoury', to balance out the 'sweet'). Fed him a piece, assuring him that it was nice (after ascertaining that he wasn't a muslim). I think he didn't like it, though, because he said an Iban word that means the opposite of 'comfortable', and he brought his hand-towel to his lips (maybe to spit it out). So I stopped feeding him and instead went to get his films (had been waiting for them to be printed out).

I left him there for about 10 minutes, because the radiologist kept me waiting, and when I got back, his eyes were moist, and I felt so bad about leaving him alone - maybe old people get lonely very fast. The good thing about Sarawak is that most of the Ibans are Christians, so one doesn't have to worry about them dying. They're still sad to die, though, and that's quite sad - am sorry to see them so sad about it. I think it must be quite a weight on one's chest or mind, to know you don't have much time left.

Death comes to all, deservedly or not (we don't spare much sympathy here for alcoholics who fall down the stairs and hit their head). And all I can offer is a bit of chocolate, which can't take away the bitterness of knowing one's end is near. Perhaps next time I should offer bittersweet chocolate.